Thoughts…

I’ve read a few blogs and I am not sure why I haven’t posted more frequent updates like others do.  To be completely honest, writing about my happy moments makes me feel a little selfish, a little careless for all the other amazing couples going through a stuggle I was a part of not more than just a few months ago.

I know I can’t be living in the past, and after such a long struggle, we have to be grateful and be happy for our long waited miracles. To those who are still struggling, please don’t lose hope. Your little angel is coming sooner than later, don’t give up! 

I will be writing more, especially how I’m feeling and my pregnancy up to now. I am feeling absolutely grateful and at peace.

Off all meds!!! But I still worry

So I had my blood drawn on Monday to check my progesterone levels and get clearance to be finally off the nasty suppositories!!! Luckily my numbers are great and I am finally off progesterone and estradiol. All I am left with is my prenatal vitamins, baby aspirin, and CoQ10. 

Quite honestly I still feel in disbelief. I feel guilty, sad, and disappointed that I have not reacted how I always dreamed I would. Why didn’t I cry when we heard the heart beats? Every time we see our doctor I am freaking out wondering if everything is still okay! I hate worrying so much. I want to be the normal pregnant lady who is actually enjoying every minute and not worrying about every little thing. I am blessed this has happened! I am blessed I have not had any pregnancy symptoms! I should be celebrating every minute, but instead I worry….

I am certainly not complaining, I just feel guilty not reacting to how I always thought I would. For 9 years I would cry at the thought of getting a positive pregnancy test. At the thought of us actually seeing a little something inside my uterus. At the thought of giving birth and holding our miracle(s). Perhaps this is normal, and it happens to those of us who have struggled for so long, longer than we ever imagined.

So here we are at week 10 and 3 days, counting down the minutes until my next OBGYN appointment which is scheduled for Monday. I pray that everything continues to be okay, that my babies are healthy and that I can finally stop worrying so much.

First US with OBGYN

We had our first official ultrasound with my longtime OBGYN who I’ve known for over 10 years. He was super excited for the news as he is very well familiar with our fertility struggles, but he was also surprised to learn that it’s twins. 

We chatted for a bit and then went to do our very first belly ultrasound! I was surprised that so early on we could see the babies without the need of a cervical US. 

There they were, much bigger than last week and we finally heard them, loud and clear! Their heart beats! I felt as if I was dreaming, as if this was someone else’s ultrasound I was seeing. I could not believe that these tiny precious gummy bears were ours! And to make things even more special one was loving as he was doing the ultrasound. It was priceless and literally took our breaths away!

He said we would be seeing him along with another physician who specializes in high risk pregnancies. I felt at ease, and he reassured me there is no need to worry myself too much and cause unnecessary stress when there is nothing we can do to prevent either TTTS, preterm delivery, etc… All they can do is monitor me and for me to stay calm and just keep staying positive. Surprisingly I feel better than ever! This is one of the babies and the other one looks exactly the same, except one is a day ahead.

 
Luckily still no nausea, no crankiness, no irritability, nothing! Except feeling sleepy which I can happily handle. On another happy note, yesterday was my very last official proesterone oil shot! Thank goodness I am done with those after over 9 weeks!!!!! Phew! Now on to suppositories for 7 days and after that I should be off all medications!

  

I can’t believe we are on our way to week 10 and I just want to keep the good news and positive vibes coming! Oh this weekend as we celebrate father’s day we will let hubby’s side of the family know that it’s identical TWINS! They have no clue!!! Can’t wait to see their reaction 😁🤗❤️

A shocking positive twist…

Today was our 8 week ultrasound. Our doctor was out of the office and we knew we’d be seeing one of the other physicians.

I changed and we patiently waited for the doctor to come in. We were anxious knowing that today we would see the heartbeat again, and that the embryo would be looking more like a baby. The last ultrasound was 2 weeks ago we couldn’t wait to see the growth!

The doctor comes in and says hello and asks how I’m feeling, etc. Immediatley she takes the magic wand and inserts it. We saw the sack much faster than the firts time, but as she was focusing the screen she says: “Okay, so here is kiddo #1″….. Immediately I am thinking she probably has us confused, or perhaps it’s a language barrier or something…. So I turn around and give my husband a confused look. I didn’t have a chance to turn around quick enough when she says, “and here is kiddo #2!”….. That is when we both froze. “Excuse me?” I say… “What do you mean kiddo number 2? There is only one! We transferred only one”… How? Wait, what? The doctor and nurse both laughed at our expressions and reaction. I couldn’t contain my nerves so I started laughing and a few tears shed out of nervousness. My hsuband almost fainted and put his hands on his face.

She goes back to baby number one, and measures it, and then goes to baby number two and reads out the measurements as the nurse is taking notes.  So yes, at some point the one embryo decided to split and we are now expecting identical twins! We are both completely in shock. The odds of this happening is only 3%! Three percent! 

We feel absolutely blessed, but are a litte worried, nervous, anxious. I am 36, which means my pregnancy is at a higher risk. Luckily everything looks perfect! Both babies measure exactly the same size both 8wks, both are in its own sack sharing the placenta. Overall I feel great, still no morning sickness at all or any other symptoms. It is very strange and hard to believe I have two babies growing inside! For the last two months we’ve been referring to a single baby, it’s hard to imagine we will now be shopping for multiples.

Wow, what a day and talk about an insane surprise!     

 

First Official Ultrasound

We had been anticipating this day like crazy! Almost as long as the 2WW! More than anything just to ensure that our baby is okay and to ensure the heartbeat was already visible.

As we waited for the doctor, we realized this would be the first time ever that we are doing an ultrasound not to see how many follicles we have, or how thick my lining is, or whether or not I’ve hyperstimulated. For the first time ever in nine years, we are about to see a little tiny human growing inside. The thought of it just blows our minds as I never imagined this day would actually come, even though we always kept some hope.

As soon as the doctor arrives he personally says congratulations and shakes our hands. I am excited yet nervous and just want him to hurry so we can see it. He goes on to grab the magic wand and inserts it, we both freaked out when it took a few seconds to find it, we just didn’t realize how tiny it still is compared to my uterus. Sure enough, we see the dark uterus and in the corner we see two grey silhuettes one of which has a super fast flickering round shape… Then the doctor says, “there it is… The heart”! At that point I think is when I took a deep breath and felt an inmense knot in my throat. We both choked a little, and I did shed a couple of tears. I asked if we could hear it, but the doctor said no that the soundwaves are still strong and it’s too early. But he said we would get to hear it on our next appointment in two weeks.

So here is our very first official ultrasound. We are still somewhat in shock, but seeing it has brought some peace of mind and has made it feel more real!

 Tomorrow I am officially 7 weeks! I can’t wait for the 12 week mark ☺️

The fear that follows

Although we should be extatic that we are pregnant… I can’t seem to stop worrying that something bad will happen.

We got our beta numbers almost two weeks ago and they were great (207). However, I have not had many symptoms which I know I should be happy about other than feeling tired and my boobs being sore. I can’t help but wonder if everything in there is growing normally? Am I even still pregnant? So yesterday, out of a sudden fear I took the last pregnancy test I had… and immediately the pregnancy line showed up, super dark! 

  
I have read that it is normal for couples who have been infertile for so long to feel this way. However, I know I am not out of the woods yet. How do you stay calm? I guess I also need to stop reading the very sad miscarriage stories as I know that doesn’t help. 

I am thankful I don’t have any morning sickness, or have had any mood swings, or any of the other symptomps. However, I still worry about the what if’s.  Tomorrow I will be officially 6 weeks pregnant.

Our first ultrasound is scheduled for Friday, May 27th. I will be 6 weeks 5 days, I know hearing the heartbeat will bring peace of mind.

Progesterone shots

So we have been blessed we have gotten pregnant after 9 years of TTC! However the shots are not done! I am writing this because I keep hearing horrible stories of everyone’s experiences with progesterone oil, and quite honestly my experience with the shots have been a walk in the park. Here is why:

1. I am allergic to sesameseed oil, so they switched us to olive oil instead. Honestly I think Olive oil is less thick so ask for olive if you can.

2. Ask for needle gauge 23, trust me it is thick enough to allow the oil to come out without a problem. Why suffer with a thicker needle if it’s not needed! I have been using 23 (started with 25 but it would take forever for the oil to come out). 

3. Depending on your weight ask if you can use a 1″ needle as opposed to 1 1/2″. It makes a difference! I am using 23 gauge 1″ without a problem.

4. If your husband is applying the injeccion, PLEASE ask him to slap the area first! You will not feel a thing! I am not kidding! These shots have been a breeze because of our technique. It doesn’t have to be a hard spank, just enough to numb the area a bit. My husband is an expert now! 

5. Finally after the shot is applied, he puts on the tiny bandaid and uses his palm to massage the area in circles for several minutes. Not only does it feel great, it ensures the oil gets absorbed evenly without causing painful bumps.

So there you go, I hope whoever is doing their shots now is not having too much trouble with them. 

Beta numbers are in!

On Friday I was 7dp5dt, and got my very first BFP on a clear blue digital test! I certainly tested again on Sunday using the last digital test I had, and again got another BFP. So, I made the mistake of buying some cheap home tests that I could use between then and the beta test, which was scheduled for today. I don’t know why I felt the need to keep testing. 

In any case, I used one of the cheap tests yesterday evening and the line showed up right away. Although it wasn’t as dark as I thought it would be. This morning though, I used another test and my heart sunk as I noticed the line was much lighter than the one from last night. How could that be? The urine in the morning is typically much more concentrated, so I immediatley panicked and had really bad feelings. Not sure if this has happened to anyone before? Is it possible the test was a faulty one? The line was there just very subtle.

So on my way to the doctor’s office for my beta test, I was extremely nervous. All the excitement from Friday and Sunday were all of a sudden vanished. I felt bad that I had even looked at cribs over the weekend, and told myself I should’ve known better. So after my test, they said I would hear back by this afternoon. Certainly all day I was useless, could not concentrate at all and just felt emotional.

At 11:30am I got the call! I saw the number and before I even said hello, I just said to my nurse “just blur it out, I am dying here!”… And then I hear the words: “Congratulations!!!!!” And that is finally when I broke down. I was crying and laughing and told her how we had never gotten a positive test, ever! It’s been NINE years trying to concieve! NINE! I was and am overwhelmed and just filled with joy. I think the nurse cried with me as she  scheduled my first ultrasound in two weeks.

My beta numbers today were 207, today is 11dp5dt. I will not do a home test again! I will just let things be and not analyze every single thing! So for now, I am officially pregnant – 4 weeks and 2 days!!!! ❤️😱🤗😬

I’m Back With a Little Hope!

It’s been almost a year since I last wrote. I guess mending a heart takes a little longer than I had expected. We ended up closing our little business and took a nice three week vacation to Thailand. Then back to reality. I had surgery yesterday, and I’m in pain. It kind of reminds me of when I hyperstimuladed from my first IVF.

We are seeing a new specialist, one that somehow has brought hope again. It’s difficult to have “unexplained infertility” for over 8 years. On the first consultation he said he was “overwhelmingly confident” I would get pregnant! I’ve never heard that before, in the contrary, most doctors remind you of the low pregnancy rates mainly to ensure you have realistic expectations. Therefore, I was very surprised to hear him say that. He also said he was 95% sure I had endometriosis! Something I have never been diagnosed with, I don’t even get cramps nor have any other type of symptoms, but I figured we had nothing to lose to go in and check it out.

Today, on the first day after the surgery, my doc called me to tell me he removed endometriosis, he was right! Is it possible this is what has been preventing a pregnancy all this time? It’s a bit hard to believe but I have to have faith and believe. Stay tuned as we move forward in this journey… This is our last year trying and we will make the best out of it!

  

Results are in…

Beta was zero. I don’t think it gets worse than that. Yes, a piece of my heart has chipped and won’t be mended. I think more than anything I’m just confused. Of course, so many questions will remain unanswered and I think that is the most frustrating thing about all this.

Well, the only regret this time around is not doing the home pregnancy test. I feel I was about to faint as the doctor was speaking to us on the phone and it took forever for him to say it was “negative”. I do appreciate our clinic that it’s the doctor that calls you, not a nurse or an assistant. Although the results are still the same, the words you don’t want to hear.

I think my hubs needs some time to recover from this one. 3 beautiful embryos, all excellent quality, 3 day transfer and zero stuck. It’s hard to swallow. Plus we have a funeral to go to tonight and it will just be so much harder.

I feel okay. Disappointed of course, and trying to figure out how we will pay for the next procedure if we decide to go with it. Please don’t judge, but as much as we want to be parents I don’t think we are open to adoption just yet. I don’t know if we ever will. Until then, I appreciate everyone’s positive thoughts, prayers, and baby dust. You know as they say, it’s like flipping a coin with IVF and I am all about flipping the coin one more time.